While Darrell and I were in California, I called my mom to get a recipe. While we were talking she told me she had to go in for a biopsy from an abnormal mammogram. My heart jumped into my throat, but she seemed fairly confident that she would be fine. I had it in the back of my mind all day Saturday, but kept thinking of my mom's peace she felt. Sunday morning I wasn't feeling as calm. I know my mom, she doesn't like anyone to worry about her. She stresses and worries about people stressing and worrying about her. Through Chris's Mission Farewell I was incredibly emotional. All the thoughts of not wanting my mom to be having to go through this, combined with Chris's incredible song and talk.
Mom told me she wouldn't get the results until the end of the week. Thursday my sister posted a status that made me think something was going on. I called her and found out the results were back and it was indeed cancer.
I really really hate cancer.
After talking to my sister, then another sister, then another sister.. Mom was working in the temple until 9:30 that night (that's 11:30 our time, and after spending the whole day crying I just couldn't stay awake any longer) and I couldn't get a hold of her to talk to her.
Her cancer is not far progressed, it seems they caught it very very early, it's called Ductal Carcinoma. It's the most common form of breast cancer and one of the most treatable breast cancers. All the facts make me feel better- to know my mom will be fine, she will not be taken from us because of this nasty "C" word.
But there are so many other thoughts. I don't want my mom to have to worry about things. It's my mom- I don't want her to hurt or be sad. It's been hard to watch her over the last almost 10 years after losing my Dad. She has said many times how much she misses him and wishes he would come and take her. No, my mom doesn't wish to die and leave all of us- but my mom loves my dad so much and misses him terribly. They met and married with in months of meeting each other, they were each other's everything. To watch my mom have to adjust to being a widow, and kind of going through a find out who you are moment- because losing a spouse changes you. My mom is a protector. After losing dad she felt she had to be strong for all of us kids- she didn't want us to see how badly she was hurting because she knew it would make us so much sadder.
And then there were the selfish thoughts too... She's my mom- why her? The thoughts and realizations that not only do I have to have early screenings for colon cancer, now I have to also watch for signs of breast cancer. I have 4 daughters- this is now in our family history and can be passed down to any of them.
Honestly, the selfish thoughts aren't as frequent as the worrying about my mom thoughts. It's a blessing to have so many kids, and siblings- but not when you have news like this and have to repeat it a thousand times. She talked to me about dreading calling everyone and saying, "Well I have breast cancer." As a mom it is your natural instinct to shield you kids from things that will hurt them- but she is now in the position to have to tell us something she knows will make each of us sad.
Can you tell I'm still processing everything from all my ramblings?! Thursday and Friday I felt like I was bipolar. I knew mom would end up being ok, and then 5 minutes later I'd be crying and just so sad. 10 years ago finding out Dad had cancer, and them losing him so quickly shook my world. And now this has shaken it all over again- even though I know all will be well- my world is still turning and shaking.
I've taken family for granted. I love living here in Arkansas, but after the last 2-3 years I have been missing being closer to all of our family so much! We live in an area that has so many members of our church- we have great friends that I consider family. But nothing can replace the real thing. As much as I love living here- I want to move and be closer to family. Darrell has a great job, and that job is here. So obviously we stay here- but one day we hope to move at least a few states closer to our mom's. It's so hard to miss so many family functions and gatherings- but it's even harder to be away when something like this happens.
I love my mom- she has always been such an incredible example to me of so many things. I'm so thankful she has been very regular with her yearly exams- and that this has been caught early. Tuesday will bring a lot more answers for us, she meets with the Oncologist. It will be nice to know the plan and steps mom will be taking to be rid of this.
2 comments:
I hate cancer too. This last year one of James' uncles was diagnosed as well as one of his aunts and my bosses wife. It is a horrible disease! Treatable is great to hear and early stage as well. My bosses wife was further progressed and had a much more in depth treatment but after nearly a year is doing great as are James' aunt and uncle but it is still not easy to deal with. You are all in our prayers. And I totally understand being far away. It is really hard when stuff happens to not be able to run right over. I miss out on a lot of things. Love y'all and thinking of all of you during your tough time.
Spending hugs your way.
Post a Comment