I DVR Oprah and when I have time I go back and watch the beginnings of each one and delete the ones I don't have interest in and watch the ones I do. Last night was one of those nights. I watched as this brave mother of two little girls shared her tragic story of loosing her 2 year old daughter. It broke my heart!! This morning one sentence she said keeps going through my mind over and over, "A good mom doesn't do this!"
She left her 2 year old in her car accidentally for 8 hours while she was at work. If you would have asked me what I thought of a mother who did this 5 or 6 years ago- I would have said they are a careless mom who probably doesn't love her babies like I love mine. I know that sounds harsh and judgemental- and it is! But a few years ago I realized when mom's are so busy and have so many things they are trying to juggle- accidents happen. An accident is an accident- it's not any ones fault, though as mom's we tend to always blame ourselves.
The reason I came to the realization that these mom's should not go to jail is I know a mom who went through this horrible experience! Her sister told me how it happened, and it happened when Lexi was just a little baby. I lived in Utah, and my mom called me and just reminded me to slow down and be careful, because a mom in Las Vegas- who is LDS, left her 10 month old in the car accidentally and he died. I remember thinking and wondering how this mom could ever forget about her baby- it's not something little- it's her baby! Later I found out this mom is a good friend of mine. I was so shocked- my preconceived notions of this mom that I heard about on the news was that she was careless and flaky. Fast forward a few years and imagine my shock to find out she is in my ward and is absolutely NOT flaky and careless- she loves her kids!! What happened that day, was a horrible accident.
About a month after I found out what one of my good friends had been through I had another lesson on judging. Even though I knew my friend was a good person, I still just couldn't imagine being so busy that I would forget my child- I felt like I wasn't judging her- but I guess I still was.
My sister- in- law was in Valley Hospital in Las Vegas, pregnant with twins, and her fluid was extremely low on one of the babies. She had been in the hospital for a while- total bed rest and for the first 3 days hadn't been able to eat or drink anything. She finally was given permission to eat what ever she wanted and she called me and my other sister- in- law to see if we could bring her a few things- cravings you know! She was craving fresh fruit, and a Coke Slurpee. That day I had a lot going on, but knew I needed to visit her int he hospital, I had just had Carly and remembered all too well how much I hated eating and staying in the hospital! My brother- in- law Travis came to watch all the kids while Amber and I went to the hospital to see Michelle and take her fruit and Slurpee. When Travis got there I could tell he was very nervous about keeping Carly along with his 2 kids and my other 2 kids, so at the last minute I decided to take Carly with me. Amber and I had to stop at the 7-11 to get Michelle's Slurpee, and there was one on the corner of Rancho and Charleston- for you Las Vegans. It's not the best, safest, or cleanest area. Amber and I were trying to hurry, we wanted to have time to visit before we had to get back and get kids ready for bed. We got the Slurpee and jumped back in the car, as I turned around to back up I noticed Carly's car seat and about had a heart attack! I had completely forgotten I had her and left her in the car! She was fine- it was only a matter of minutes I left her there- but I could not get over the shock that I had just forgotten my own baby!! I felt horrible- so many things flashed through my mind- the main thing was now I knew how these mom's can forget! Now, I'm not talking about the mom's who know their child is in the car and just don't want to take them in with them. There was a mom who went shoe shopping and purposely left her baby in the car with the windows down. Her baby died because it was August in Las Vegas.
I don't really know why I'm writing all this- more just getting it off my chest that us mom's need to slow down! This mom's sentence of good mom's don't do this- just breaks my heart! Because that's what I thought the first time I heard of a mom doing that- but I have learned not to judge a mom! So if you get anything from all my rambling- if you are a mom- slow down! Take the time to remember what you are doing! We tend to feel we HAVE to do so many things all at once- but we need to remember that our most important role is to be a mom and to slow down to enjoy it.
I can't imagine the mom's pain that was on Oprah, I can't imagine my friends pain in Las Vegas! I only know of the pain I felt when I realized I left Carly in the car- but she was fine. I was very lucky, and knew it! I know that these mom's that go through this trial are brave and loving mom's who simply had an accident. Their babies are in Heaven and are watching over them until that day when they can have the opportunity to raise them again. I can't imagine the guilt and pain each day these mom's feel! So I think it's up to us to help our friends! If you have a friend who seems very busy and could use a break- step in and help. If you are that mom who needs a break- step out of your comfort zone and ask for help. We all know how it feels to be overwhelmed- it's not fun. Let's try and help each other out! Let's also try not to judge these mom's. They loved their babies and would never have done ANYTHING to hurt them! They have to live with enough guilt that they put on themselves- let's not add to it!
I'll step off my soap box now! I just had to get it out! I was trying to talk to Darrell about it last night, but he can't talk about it. It freaks him out to talk about these sort of things, especially right before bed. So you guys are my outlet!!
In America...?
5 months ago
13 comments:
Oh my gosh Alissa...
I dont even know what else to say. It is soo true that things can get insanely busy..I cannot even imagine what those mothers went thru. Wow. Wow.
Dontcha wish that you could talk to Darrell? I tried to have one of 'those' conversations with Marcus just last night and he flipped the conversation to what kind of new work truck he is going to get. HELLO!!
I think I am going to logoff and go cuddle with Marissa.
Thank you for this post...it makes me think back to President Monson's talk on Sunday. As moms, we need to slow down and enjoy the time we can with our kids. In my eyes, we also need to know that accidents happen. My heart too goes out to that mother who is feeling that a "A good mom doesn't do this." I also love how you bring up judging others. Sometimes we, especially us women, are so hard on ourselves and on others...we need to step back like you have done, and look at the big picture. :)
i agree! now that i have 3, i'm sometimes in the car and have the thought..is everyone in the car and sortof panic...until i see that everyone is....so far. i hope i can keep track of them all....who cares if i loose my keys!?!?
I feel bad for these moms...isn't it punishment enough to know that such a mistake costed their childs life? They will have to live with that for the rest of their life...It would be torture! I hope not to be too quick to judge.
Thanks for the great post, Alissa. We can't judge anyone until we are in their shoes. I can't imagine going through that!
Alissa, what a good perspective we all need to remember! Thanks for sharing those thoughts.
I've been feeling a little overwhelmed lately with alot of stuff and in one week I saw the same Oprah episode (also reminding me of the mutual friend you speak of) and also President Monson's talk on Sunday. It's definitely no coincidence. I think of the millions things I try to get done while ignoring what's most important - my children and their safety. I've definitely learned I need to slow down and pay more attention and enjoy my kids more!!
I saw that Oprah as well and I was totally crying watching that mom on there. Dustin came in the room and was watching for a minute and I tried to act like I wasn't crying but then it just all came out! I was kinda embarrased but it was just so sad and hit WAY to close to home for all us busy moms who think that I might be capable of doing that.
It also reminds me to remember that you never know who has gone through what or is going through something like that. I don't know who you are talking about in Vegas and it makes me wonder if I ever said anything insensitive to that person. I guess we just need to always be sensitive and nonjudgmental you know.
Thank you! This is a great post! You know that feeling of getting home from work, and you don't really remember the whole drive? Freaks you out a little! I swear, sometimes I feel like that with my children at the end of the day. I know they ate breakfast, lunch and dinner; I got the laundry done, paid bills, mopped the floor, but when I think back on that particular day I don't really remember what my cute children did all day! Those are my reminder days to slow down!
Then the next day, week, month hopefully I stop to hold them when they need it and really spend time with them! Time is a funny thing! This week I feel like it is RUNNING away from me! Although I have remembered to slow down for my children (because of conference)!
We as women need to be so much kinder to ourselves first, and then to each other. I know most of the pressure and stress I feel comes from me! Trying to keep up. And then I wonder, what and who am I trying to keep up with? Thank you Alissa for the reminder!
I can totally relate. I accidentally left Tanner in the car once. He wasn't supposed to be with me but just as I was leaving he started crying and I was in a hurry because Wes had cut his arm and I had to take him in to get stitches. I had to pick up the kids from school first. I got to the school and totally forgot about Tanner who had fallen asleep in the car. I was in July in Las Vegas enough said. Thank goodness it was only for a couple of minutes before I remembered I had brought him. I ran back to the car and even though it was just a couple of minutes he was dripping in sweat. I pulled him out of his car seat and just cried. I couldn't believe I forgot him. I didn't tell Kyle for a long time, not because I was trying to hide it. It was just a crazy day and a crazy time. A couple of years ago when another baby died because the Mom left it in the car, Kyle was just going off about how on earth can you forget your kid. I told him then. Now that I have two kids I have to pack in the house. The rule is I never go in the house until everyone is out of the car. I get the baby's car seat out first and put it in the garage by the door and then I get Conner out. When everyone is out then we can close the garage door. I even wait for the older ones to get out. Sometimes Tanner will just try to stay in the car. They don't realize how dangerous it is. Life just moves so fast. We definately need to just slow down a little. It is nice with Max because he is my last one, I have definately taken more time with him. The laundry get piled up, but it will still be there tomorrow. Max will only be a baby for just another blink of an eye.
I totally agree. I learned the same lesson on judging these moms, when I became one of them. Right after I had Kate I had to run to the store to buy some ice. We were having a BBQ with friends. Dustin asked me to take her and he would keep the others. My car was so quiet, a quiet I'm not used to. I hurried jumped out of the car and ran into Wal-Mart. I was in there maybe 5 min top. I opened the door to put my ice in and there sat my sleeping baby! I let out a scream and started crying. Panic swept over my whole body. She was fine, but I was not! It was in Jul, so it was a hot day. I was shocked about what had just happened.
About 4 mo ago a mom of like 10 kids left her 18 mo old in the car. Another mom left her two year old. The mother of the two-year old was actually charged. I was so mad. They said because she rushed her child to the hospital instead of calling 911 she was neglegent. I was so mad. Your mind is not thinking clearly when that happens. All she was thinking about was her baby, that he needed help. Let's pour salt in the wound and throw charges at her! I was mad.
I totally forgot about that story-even while I was reading it.
Wow! What the heck does Oprah really know, she's never made any committments besides the contract that makes her millions each year. What a thing to say to someone!
I identified with your comment about stepping in to help eachother aAND asking when you need it.
Happy Holidays
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