I am trying to get myself ready to have "The Talk" with Lexi. I bought the American Girl book on taking care of yourself and the changes that you go through. My friend Nicole has a book I really liked- Where Did I Come From- I will get that. But, seriously, how in the heck do I do this?! I feel like I'm taking away some of her innocence, she's still so young! I have talked to her about the changes girls go through, she doesn't really like that it will happen to her, but she's ok with it, and she's very open with talking to me about her questions. Explaining the boy side of things- I don't want to do that to her- I feel like it will traumatize her!
Darrell and I both have felt we wanted to wait until she was really ready for the info. I know a lot of people who tell their kids really young, so it's over and done and if their kids have questions they are still young enough they will ask their parents. I like the idea behind that, but Darrell and I have never felt comfortable with it. Kids minds are only able to comprehend so much- and "The Talk" is a lot to comprehend! I want them to be old enough to understand it's not something you go around telling all your friends about, it's something that is normal to talk about, but you have to use judgement. I am not naive enough to think my kids won't say anything, but I know my kids will try and use good judgement- at least for a few more years!
This brings up another "Talk" we need to have with her. The whole Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy stuff. She still believes, and I hate to take that from her. I know it's getting time though. She came home and told me she was upset with one of her friends because they were lying to her. They told her there was no Santa. I was very casual about it, but it was 2 weeks before Christmas- I was NOT going to spoil it for her then.
I basically feel like I'm taking away her innocence, but know I need to be the one to talk to her before she keeps hearing all kinds of crazy things from her friends. So, wish me luck- hopefully in the next week or two I'll get up my courage and do it!
So I ask you though, which talk should come first- the Santa talk or the REAL talk? Any of you have already been down either of these roads, please share your advise on what worked and what didn't for your kids.
23 comments:
I was just telling Aaron the other day that Aiden will be 16 and we will have to tell him that Pokemon isn't cool anymore and by the way, there is no Santa. I just can't spoil his sweet innocence...the oldest child hangs on to it the longest. Sounds like you will beat us to both talks, so let me know how it goes. I vote for Santa first. Soften her up for the biggie.
I'm am petrified of both talks!!! Hillary's pediatrician asked me at her 7 year old appointment if she had any hair growing yet and I about slapped him!!! That's personal and she's way too young for that! Sadly, it'll come way sooner than I'm ready for and it's time to start thinking about it. Carter will figure out the santa thing first though, his 1st grade teacher already sort of spilled the beans on that one. Good luck! I can't wait to hear how it goes and how you go about it, I could use some advice too!
I think my mom did THE TALK first, because we did the whole maturation thing in 5th grade. (ew.) That same year she told me about Santa and it was one of the most traumatic moments of my life - I sobbed for hours. I felt like my childhood was gone forever.
I was melodramatic though and still am. I'm sure Lexi will take it better than I did.
No advice, just cringes because I know I'm going to go through this someday too. Yikes.
BIRDS AND BEES: I have gone before you on this one and hopefully can offer a little advise on the topic. One, Thomas and I were VERY prayerful about the timing of telling our girls. Libby was ready for the sex talk before Kirsten so she got to hear it first. We sat down with Libby(both Thomas and myself) and opened with a prayer. We told her how important the topic we were discussing was and wanted to be sure we shared it with her correctly. We read the "Where do Babies Come From?" book that you talked about and then covered any questions she had. While Libby found the actual act of it disgusting and wondered why people would "do it" if they weren't trying to make a baby...remarkably the spirit was there and we were able to have an uplifting conversation about it all. We repeated the production a few months later when we felt Kirsten was ready to hear it. Some people questioned why we had both Thomas and I present to have the discussion but it has definately been a benefit. When Libby came home from school after her "maturation" program she waited for Thomas to get home and pulled us both aside to show us all of the cool stuff they sent home. While Thomas was a bit embarrassed by this, he also was happy to see his daughter able to come to him about what could be an uncomfortable topic. Libby and Kirsten both include me and Thomas in conversations about boys and "what-nots". I am hoping by having an open relationship with both parents they will have two of us to turn to as they mature. Good luck with your daughters.
SANTA: I still have not told ANY of my kids that Santa is not the real deal(Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny are still real too). When they have questioned me about it, I always say the same thing. "When I was a little girl, I always believed in Santa Clause. My Mom told me that as long as I believed in Santa, there would be presents for me under the tree from Santa on Christmas morning. I still get presents from Santa...so I must still believe in him. Now, if you decide that you don't believe in Santa...don't tell me or any of the other kids! You wouldn't want us to loose out on extra presents would you? Now, if you decide you don't believe in Santa anymore, that's fine...but you might want to keep it to yourself if you still want the extra Santa presents at Christmas! When Libby said, "I think you are Santa". I responded with..."(see I always say the same thing above)". I realize that she doesn't believe anymore (and she knows that I know she doesn't believe) but she can still play along (and so can I)!
Here's what I think: the birds and bees talk is best for you both to be there. We just read the book with Ashley and talked to her afterwards. I think if her dad hadn't been there, she would be forever embarrassed by it around him... We didn't bring it up until a situation presented itself at school and she was asking questions. However, she was in 3rd grade. (Now I'm gearing up for the maturation talk!)
I keep wondering when we should have the talk with Trevor... he's never asked any questions at all!
As for Santa, I say wait! There will come a point, probably in the next year or so, when she really just will keep questioning you and figure it out on her own. Like Leslie, I always say, "Well, I believe in Santa... there's always presents under the tree that I don't know about." Depending on the persistence of the child, you may have to come clean. (as I did, with Ashley. But even then, I held firm to the "principle" of who Santa really is). You did the right thing by not telling her just before Christmas.
Good luck!
Dont ever have the Santa talk..eventually they get old enough and figure that one out with no harm done. Why not??
THE TALK. Ugh. Still haven't with Kenna and probably REALLY need to. That is one I DO NOT want her to get old enough to figure out on her own. I can only imagine the things she would hear.
Let us know how it goes...good luck!!
I have no advice to give as I don't even have kids, but I just wanted to say I am not jealous of either talk and GOOD LUCK!
Ah, "THE TALK"...we explained the basics to PJ when he was in 3rd grade, because he kept asking lots of questions (you wouldn't believe the crazy things he heard from other boys at school!) We would answer with honest, direct answers, but in a way that we felt was age appropriate. We bought the book "Growing Up" by Brad Wilcox to help explain everything more in depth in 4th grade. The author is LDS, and I like that it has a gospel centered basis. In fact part of the title is "Gospel Answers about Maturation and Sex." It has a section specifically for boys and one for girls, about their development and what happens to their bodies as they mature, and then chapters about conception, and how it happens, prenatal development, and along the lines of our beliefs, it also talks about The Law of Chastity. There is a chapter about Love, Marriage, & Sex, and it also covers problems like pornography, and sexual abuse etc. It has a lot of great information, and you could read it, and pick & choose what to share, depending on what you feel she is ready to hear. The "talk" is kind of uncomfortable, but I'd rather that our kids hear the facts and the truth, along with our morals and values that we want to teach them, from us, not the kids at school. We also had "the talk" with Tessa at the beginning of this year (3rd grade) as well. She wasn't asking as many questions as PJ was at that age, but I wanted to just open the door to any questions she might have, because she's more shy about asking questions like that. I just hope our kids always feel comfortable asking us anything, and I think if you start out being open with them, and making them feel comfortable talking with you about it, they will. We did make sure that they knew that this was something very personal and private and they didn't talk about it with their friends, but they could ask us anything, anytime.
About Santa...our kids heard things from friends and kind of started figuring it out on their own around 2nd grade, and I just felt like they were old enough to know, because kept asking us if he was real. I told them that it was a really special secret that they were old enough to know about, but they had to play along and not tell the little kids. They actually were kind of excited to be in on the big secret and feel grown up enough to know something that the little kids didn't. But they are always great to play along at Christmas and Easter time and all of that. They weren't upset or anything (I think because they already had an idea about it).
Good luck with all your big talks!! I think it's always hardest with the first child. After that, it gets a little bit easier. You'll have to let us know how it goes... :)
Oh man, I don't envy you at all! Good luck and I hope it goes over well.
I haven't had either talk with Bug and she is 9. I have a nephew who believed in Santa until he was 12 or 13.
As for THE TALK, no way at 9 is my daughter ready for THAT talk. I think my mom had it with me in 5th grade because that is when the school did it. Maybe call the school nurse and ask her when they have that talk with kids. That might make it easier and more age appropriate.
Hugs to you!
I am not jealous at all. This whole blog made my stomach turn. I don't ever want to have either conversation. Can I stop time and allow my 3 little princesses to stay little forever. Good luck!
I don't know that we've ever had "the talk" with any of our girls. We've had A LOT of small conversations starting when they were very young. My girls have all the information that they need, but it was all gained through a series of small conversations instead of one "talk". Anytime we hear things on the news that can stimulate conversation, we jump on it to re-inforce our position. About 3 years ago, our sister in law adopted a baby from a 13 year old mom. That gave us another great opportunity to talk about chastity and the consequences of not following the commandment.
Right before the girls started middle school, Marty had a very frank conversation with the girls about BOYS. He let them know exactly what is on their minds at all times. The girls were a little weirded out by that, but I think it was important for them to know the intentions of boys.
As far as Santa, I've never had that talk. If you ask the girls, I still believe in Santa. I know that they don't, but why spoil the fun. Keep Santa alive.
The Church has a book/pamphlet out that really goes through each age and what you should be talking to your kids about, then there isn't "the talk" you've been talking the whole time and age appropriate and chirch appropriate.
I don't know if I would tell her about Santa-easter bunny maybe. But I remember just realizing that santa wasn't real, but it wasn't some big talk or traumatic.
But once again-it's all up to you-mucho responsibility-fun for you! ;o)
We like what your friend Leslie said.
no clue. we do it lil by little i think.;) luck to you!
Thanks for all the help and comments! Darrell and I talked about a few things we liked, and are now trying to get the books mentioned, and really be ready for this. I know we are probably making it a bigger deal then it is- but I worry about these sort of things! Oh, and we are not going to have a "talk" about Santa. I really like the comments and I will do the same things I have been doing. I just ask bak if they believe- I always tell them i do. If you don't believe, you don't get gifts- end of story.
I will keep you oosted on how "The Talk" goes in a few weeks! Thanks again everyone!!
Good luck on both - I follow Kiersty's sentiments and am not jealous of you at all!
BTW Rachel is Uncle Jim's (Bud) granddaughter. He is Grandma Betty's brother. You probably don't remember them since you guys were so far away but living in Lubbock we saw them all the time because King and Lauren lived there and they came to visit. Their mom Sharon passed away when I was like 12 or 13 I think from cancer.
I too have the book "Growing Up" by Brad Wilcox. I haven’t had to have the talk yet but I have looked through it and have gotten comfortable with knowing that I have that book to help me out when the time comes. I do remember my mom reading to me from a book. I was 12 and was horrified and didn’t understand why she had to read it from a book if she knew what she was talking about. But I am interested in looking up the American Girl book you mentioned. Let me know if you like it. It is so hard to find books that don’t mention “self-help” as acceptable. I do like how Brad Wilcox’s goes over it in his book. And I love the advice of both parents and lots of prayer. You can’t go wrong. Love ya and good luck!
You are brave - good luck! I think parents will know when it's time to have this talk, and when their child is ready. Each child matures differently. Thankfully I am a ways away from having these conversations...keep us posted on how it goes!
One thing we remembered was a comment Kennedy actually made. "That Santa represents Christ" and of course all that is good. So in some sense we should always beleive in Santa. Amber still cries everytime we watch Polar Express and says "I believe"
Oh Boy! I don't even want to think about having to go there with my little Bekkah! But these days, you just have to plan on it. I have loved reading all this good advice so I know kind of what to expect. Bekkah will be going into Kindergarten next year and I sure hope that we won't have to start any earlier than you...
Hey, don't I get credit for telling you about the book "Where Did I Come From"? I just mentioned it on your last post comments page. :)
I don't know what to tell you about the Santa thing... I never told the kids there was a Santa to begin with. We always tried to make it be as much about Jesus as we could, and they got the Santa thing from other kids, but we always said the whole thing about Santa is that there wasn't an actual person, but the spirit of Christmas, and that we all play a part in that. This year I tried to pretend that I believed after all, and when they got their gift of parakeets, which they all wanted really bad, I acted totally surprised, but even Kizi later said "Mom, you got them, didn't you?" And she totally knew it was me. Anyway, I don't know that you even need to sit her down and tell her right now. I'd actually try really hard to separate the "news"... like talk to her now about her body, and later about Santa. Actually, I think as she gets older, she'll just figure it out about Santa.
Okay, so about "the talk"... I think you have to realize that it's not going to just be ONE talk, but the beginning of a lot of different discussions, as she's ready for them. I think for starters, you should just get the book "Where Did I Come From" and sit down as a family and read it together. It takes a LOT of pressure off Mom and Dad. The thing you have to realize is that kids don't usually think anything is gross, unless they think WE think it's gross. There's nothing gross about our bodies... and our kids know that we all have "private parts" that are special (not gross or dirty) that we keep private and don't let others see. That they are special because Heavenly Father gave them to us to share only with the person we marry someday, and that we can use them to make babies, which is a VERY special gift. I explain that not everyone realizes how special that gift is, and that's why some people aren't married, but that it makes Heavenly Father sad when that happens. Does Lexi know about periods? If she doesn't, you could wait a while after reading the book so it's not too much info all at once. I think I just told Kizi that it's when girls'/mommies' bodies practice making a soft nest of blood and vitamins for a baby, and then when there's no baby and it's not needed, it goes out of the girl/mom. Kids are so accepting of these kinds of things IF YOU ACT LIKE IT'S NORMAL AND GOOD, NOT GROSS. Sorry this is so long! Apparently I have some opinions on this subject! ;) Have fun!!
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